– Kate Spade

First Kate Spade and then Anthony Bourdain. Could the week of ended on a lower note?

Kate Spade!

With her whimsical and colourful handbags and note paper.

Kate Spade a depressed person? How can this be?

And then.

Anthony Bourdain.

The well loved pirate of the cooking world. A man with such a lust for life, such gusto, with an innate ability to connect and make us want to travel and eat and embrace life.

WT heck?

The world is still reeling.

I gotta admit Friday morning after scrolling through the news on my phone I cried.

It was like I lost a friend.

We Have to Keep Talking About Mental Health 

This past week has been a reminder.

A reminder to keep talking to each other, to keep connecting, and reaching out and asking ‘How are you doing?’ and more importantly,  ‘How are you really doing?’

And if we know of a friend who is struggling right now, check in with them.

We are all busy, with full lives and competing priorities, but if we lose the ability to connect with others and to care, we are truly doomed.

On Shame 

We can’t let shame get the best of us either.

There is no shame in feeling broken, unloved, or less than. We ALL have been there one way or another, had some type of mental health crisis – be it depression, anxiety, a panic attack, whatever…

You don’t need a diagnosis from a doctor to have a mental illness.

And know there ARE solutions to this!

There are ways to work through whatever is dragging you down, but to do that you first have to have to –

tell someone.

It is ok to lose the battle…

…but keep fighting the friggin war!

A couple of resources to share;

The best books I have come across in terms of getting past shame and finding the courage to be vulnerable, to open up to others about your pain, is Brene Brown’s work.

‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ and ‘Daring Greatly’ are two good jumping off points. Her TED talks on these subjects are excellent as well. Google them.

Pema Chodron’s book ‘When Things Fall Apart’ is another excellent resource.

Crisis Hotlines

Canada – http://www.crisisservicescanada.ca

U.S. – http://crisiscallcenter.org/get-help-247/

Europe – http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/Europe/

If you need any specific info / resources feel free to connect with me at admin@fullflightlifecoaching.com 

And, if after this rough week you want some good news….

Because it is June, my birthday month and I’m going to be half a century old – yep fifty years old!!  I have put together a fun little something that you can check out HERE

xo

Eliz

The post Yep I cried. appeared first on Elizabeth Ritchie Counselling & Coaching Services.

This was a pre-workshop shot of TJ’s living room – we were a packed house but still managed to find room for an afternoon, shoulder to shoulder, stretch break!

How to create more freedom in your life

Our Love Warrior workshop was last weekend and TJ and I were thrilled with the turn out- It was a SELL OUT! A true testament to the power of this book. It was wonderful to get together with our fellow ‘sister warriors’ to discuss concepts from Glennon Doyle Melton’s bestselling book ‘Love Warrior’. Each woman that came out had a unique point of view and shared how Glennon’s story mirrored their own in some way.

This was powerful stuff people!

Well beyond the surface chit chat we get so often in groups- we talked about the life stuff that REALLY matters- things like; authenticity, grace, connection and courage and how these variable help us create true freedom in our lives.

TJ and I created and shared a couple of coaching exercises with the group during the workshop and for homework after. One topic we touched on was ‘Ways your authentic self says ‘NO!’.

 Ways the authentic self (your true self /soul) says ‘No!’

At certain points in the book Glennon speaks about hiding behind her ‘representative’. She is talking about putting on that social mask that we hide behind when we aren’t sure what to do or we don’t have the courage to do what we really want to do.

In the book Glennon speaks about wearing clothes she isn’t comfortable in, dying her hair because she isn’t ok with her natural color, wearing a lot of makeup while noticing that her female therapist wears none, behaving in specific ways (bulimia, alcohol, drugs, sex, compulsive shopping, gambling etc…) in an effort to ‘fit in’, doing all this when deep down she feels horrible about how she is behaving and what she is doing with her life…

….that is what hiding behind your ‘representative’ looks like- things may look pretty at the surface but underneath it’s chaotic.

At the end of the workshop everyone got this small heart notebook for part of the homework exercise….also in the pic you can spot my research sticky notes for the workshop sticking out

Workshop Exercise

During the workshop we looked at ways of bringing our true selves to the forefront while simultaneously dissolving ‘the representative’. The first step in stepping out from behind your representative is realizing when it shows up.

Here are a few ways YOUR authentic self might be saying ‘no’;

1. Energy crisis / Mood swings
2. Getting sick
3. Forgetting/ Making Mistakes / Social Slip Ups
4. Addictions -alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, food…
5. Fight or Flight

Do you recognize any of these?

I know I do!

Now what?

Get Conscious

If you can relate to this and you are conscious of the fact that you a) have a ‘representative’ and b) that she does indeed show up, then hooray for you because you are half way there! Being conscious of your ‘representative’ is truly a gateway to a more inspired life.

Get Curious

Now get a bit more curious about the specifics. Notice where your representative shows up, note the environment, the people that trigger you, how you behave and go DEEP with the why…

Ask yourself- what is it about this particular situation that makes me feel I need to ‘tamp down’ my true self?

For example-

Why when I go into a meeting with this person do I feel I need to put on my ‘academic’ or ‘professional’ facade? How do I want them to see me? Is this the real me? Why am I concerned about showing my ‘true’ self?

Get Courageous and …

One lovely workshop participant wisely pointed out that courage is a major theme of the book, and she was right. Being conscious is the first step, getting curious is the second, but to make a change, well that my friend is the third step because it takes courage!

…make a change!

It is one thing to notice when your representative is present but another to act on it. Being a ‘love warrior’ means being courageous and taking some kind of action intended to ‘disable’ the representative, which in turns leads to showing more of your authentic self to the world.

Keep in mind though that this doesn’t always mean taking massive action, it can also mean taking one teeny, tiny step in support of your true self which is a step towards FREEDOM.

….and who doesn’t want more of that in their life?

xo

Eliz

PS

Do you know someone who would like this post? If so please share…

The post How to create more freedom in your life appeared first on Elizabeth Ritchie Counselling & Coaching Services.

A Few Good Men ( & boys) at the bird sanctuary

I did a presentation the other week at Aboriginal Affairs and Northern Development Canada.

The workshop was about handling change during difficult times. At the end of my talk two attendees stayed around and shared their personal experiences with me.

Both these attendees were men.

That got me thinking.  My clients have been men, there are men on my newsletter list and there are men in my coaching program. So why was it so surprising that it was two men that stayed around to talk?

It really shouldn’t have been surprising at all as it affirmed to me the notion that men want and need alternatives to dealing with change. Men need to talk, they need connection and support just as  women do. Yet historically and culturally,  connecting and expressing emotion has been the domain of women. Now however, I think we are  undergoing a societal shift as men, bit by bit, break out of the shackles that society has put on them.

I know, I know, us women have shackles as well but they are of a different stripe and that is a post for another time.

Today it is all about the men.

In ancient times women needed connection with other women for survival. If you couldn’t get along with the other women in your tribe then you risked being banished, which meant no protection and no food, so basically it meant death. We were conditioned to excel in these areas as OUR LIVES DEPENDED ON IT.

As for the men, well they weren’t out gathering berries, or minding the babies or hanging out around the fire, no, they were busy trying to provide food for their families. They didn’t need to communicate at length or chat about what they were doing, they needed to keep quiet and MAKE THE KILL.

Speaking with men and hearing from their partners and family members today I get a sense that some men are unsure about their current role in society, yet they are very reluctant to share how they feel about these changes, and us women, well, we have contributed to this reluctance.

Let me explain.

Women now may be the primary breadwinner in some households and the men could be stay at home Dads, or they may be the single fathers who play both ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ roles. We also have the two Dad households and the two Mom households. The traditional lines have blurred and although these changes are refreshing and welcomed by most everyone, this shift can also cause confusion as the traditional male role of  ‘Provider’ falls away.

THE  MALE STEREOTYPE

So you MEN out there- have you bought into the ‘traditional’ stereotypical ideas about what a man SHOULD be like?

And for you WOMEN out there – are your expectations about what a male SHOULD be like in keeping with this traditional model?

What these limiting beliefs may sound like; 

– a man SHOULD sacrifice his dreams and goals in order to support his family

– a man SHOULD be an ‘Alpha’ male (for only the Alphas come out on top)

– a man SHOULD  always earn big bucks and be a decent provider

– a man SHOULD always be strong and silent

– a man SHOULD NEVER cry

– a man SHOULD never appear to be uncertain about ANYTHING 

– a man SHOULD be handy, know how to fix anything (cars included),  be able to make fire from sticks and survive in the woods……

the list could go on and on.

I know, some of these are so old school!!!!, but after working with hundreds of men over the past  20 odd years I KNOW that these stereotypes still exist, in the heads of men and in those around them.

The Problem With ‘Shoulds’

And you know what they say about ‘SHOULDS’ don’t you?  When you use ‘should’ in reference to yourself or others you are sh*tting all over you and me! 

‘Shoulding’ is negative speak. Phrases like should, have to, can’t, need to, are all red flag words– signs that we may be bumping up against limiting beliefs that a client may need to work through.

So for men who buy into the above stereotypes (or are surrounded by people who buy into them)  how do they cope with emotional crisis when it comes?  How do they deal with; 

– divorce

– unemployment

– financial instability

– depression

– death of a loved one

–  illness or disability etc…

Do they lock it down, bottle it up, become silent and distant? or Maybe they move to more damaging coping strategies?  We know how that usually turns out right?

Not so good.

Who do they turn to for help?

You might reply, ‘well their partner, a friend, or a family member‘-  but is that true?

What if our men DO NOT turn to us (I am referring to us women here) because they have bought into the old mindset that they must ‘man up’ and ‘suck it up’ and ‘not cry’ or show too much emotion ect… for fear of looking like a ‘sissy’,  so they keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves, which sometimes can turn out to be debilitating. 

The 3 Things We Must Do To Support The Men We Love

What we women need to do is to support our husbands, fathers, brothers, sons and friends as they shrug off these outdated, ineffectual shackles and show us their vulnerability, and to get our men to share with us we need to do the following 3 things;

1. create a safe space for them so they want to discuss their challenges with us

2. be good listeners when they do

3. have no judgement

And by providing these 3 necessities our men will be able to OVERCOME any shame they may be experiencing and share with us;

the GOOD, the BAD and the UGLY. 

Male, female, gay, straight, black, white, old, young whatever, everyone has the right to live their most fulfilling life and to do that you have to own your truth and bring your skeletons out of the closet because they

 can’t survive in the light of day.

So my lovely reader, whether you are male or female, if you need support navigating the choppy waters of life…

SHARE YOUR BURDEN WITH SOMEONE WITH WHOM YOU FEEL SAFE

it will NOT diminish you.

In fact when shared with the right person, one with whom you feel safe and not judged it will STRENGTHEN YOU. 

And if you do not have someone to share with

then hire someone!

be it a counsellor,  psychologist, or coach, and then and only then, will the MAGIC happen, only then will you break free from the shackles of old and

START LIVING THE LIFE YOU TRULY DESIRE.

So GATHER PEOPLE, GATHER!  Do not stay isolated. 

I will leave you  with this quote from the musician Prince which captures the theme of this post quite nicely I think.

‘Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today 2 get through this thing called Life’.

– Prince ‘Lets Go Crazy’

-I would love to hear your comments about this topic (and men don’t be shy I would love to hear from you!)- comment here or drop me a line.  Do you think the old male stereotypes still exist?

and thanks for allowing me space in your in -box! 

xo

Elizabeth

xo

The post The 3 Things You Must Do to Help The Men You Love- Yeah Baby! appeared first on Elizabeth Ritchie Counselling & Coaching Services.